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I hope everyone knows why we were all called here today. |
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I was told there’d be chicks. |
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And, I was told I would get a decent roll. |
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Well you’re both wrong. We’re here to review Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. |
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WHAT? I left counting my money to come and talk about that goodie-to-shoes, Mario?!
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…No game? :’<
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No. No game. Nobody likes weasels anyways. |
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You’re fat. |
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I…Hey! Why you overgrown purple rat! I’ll turn you into swiss cheese!!
*BLAM BLAM BLAM* |
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….pain. |
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Fine. I can review this game. Sucked. Sucked. And more sucked. Can I go home now? |
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No. |
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I gave my review. |
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Well, okay, WHY does it suck? |
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There’s-a no Wario! How can I like a game that doesn’t have my perfect physique and finely kept mustache. |
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At least you’ve been in a bunch of games…
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Wario Land 1-4. Wario Inc. Wario World… |
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STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!!! |
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I’ve also been in Mario Golf, Mario Kart, Mario Tennis… |
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*RUNS OUT CRYING* |
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Man. You are evil. |
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MWHAHAHA - Let’s get this over with. |
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Okay. First category is story. Now, personally, I rather enjoyed this story. There were turns and twists, and very deep, emotional stuff.
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And Peach gets naked! Twice! |
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O.O |
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She does! They never show it. But she gets naked for me and only me! |
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*comes back in* What’s this about naked? |
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…. |
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Not to mention each story leads into another, and new characters come on here and there, and the finale was well wrapped up and made sure you didn’t forget the beginning stuff. I also enjoyed the humor in it. It’s been a long, LONG time since I had a good hoot-n-holler at a video game. |
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SHUT UP WA- wait. That was actually okay. |
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AND-A RUNNING AROUND AS BOWSER BASHING STUFF WAS FREAKING SWEET!!
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Never mind. |
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Indeed. I would of tried to kill myself if I was stuck playing as Mario the whole time. It was nice to slow things down and really get inside the villains head with Peach…and then blow up everything in the world in classic Super Mario Bros. levels with Bowser. That’s more of playability though?
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Well, the story still focused on them, so it’s okay.
I give it a 10.
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I give it a zero. |
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ZERO? |
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No Wario. |
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Oh for crying out loud… |
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9 |
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9? |
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You’re looking for the “crystal stars”. Kind of the same freaking thing you’re always looking for. I mean: it was done a different way. But, seriously, how many fucking stars are you going to find? |
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I see. |
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I LIKE STARS! |
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SWEET JESUS! IT’S SATAN! |
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*BLAM* |
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OH TEH NOOOOS! *dies*
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But, the way it was presented was never done before. C’mon: the individual, unique, unforgettable characters? The main villain and what not! ….It may be done a lot, but so are RPG’s in general. You might as well knock it down for BEING an RPG. |
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*holds up white flag* 10. Dick.
Anyways! Let’s move on to playability!
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YES. PLAYABILITY! |
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You can’t play as Wario… |
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*twitch* |
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There’s the walking around and talking to people in the normal world. And, you have to use your head a bunch of times, instead of just slaughtering stuff at random. You actually have to sit down, take a breath, and focus on the task at hand. Also, you gain power-ups and stuff to explore new worlds to gain access to new things. Almost an homage to Metroid.
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I liked Metroid. |
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I did too. |
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No Wario in Metroid either. |
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*JAMS HAND CANNON IN WARIO’S FACE* THERE’S GONNA BE NO WARIO ANYWHERE IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR CLAM-TRAP. |
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*crushes cannon with one hand* |
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….:’< |
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Take that. |
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You make me a sad panda. |
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*BIFF* |
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OMGOWCHIES!!11!!shift |
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*AHEM* There’s _also_ the battle system. Which should be another category all together. But, it’s part of the playability, where most of your time, and the real strategy of the game come in hand.
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Oh the battle system! That was awesome! Each battle would open up into a theater stage. Literally. With an audience and everything. Okay, you have
HP – Hit Points (health)
FP – Flower Points (magic)
BP – Badge Points (extra equipable things)
SP – Star Points (Special Move Bar)
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Yeah. Badges. Pretty much their answer to not being able to buy super cool weapons (to-a BASH things!) or learn new techniques with level ups. |
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Or having not nearly enough moves for partners. |
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What? This isn’t a traditional RPG! You want one of those? Go buy yourself a Final Fantasy game, where it’s the same boring thing every freaking time. Paper Mario is the answer to the same tune of every RPG in the world. |
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I guess… |
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They kind of messed up on the first one. |
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YES! Dear god! You can upgrade past level 30! Way to go Nintendo, you learned! |
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What about Super Mario RPG? |
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That was Square, before they got so full of them selves they made anything without giving a crap. |
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Sounds like SOMEONE’S past due on their payment to Final Fantasy XI! |
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I WAS SO CLOSE!! SO CLOSE!!!! The check’s in the mail, I swear! Just don’t take my precious away!! |
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AND BADGES are little thingies you can equip to give you more moves, or more health, FP, or upgrade your partner, even change your outfit. |
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Humpf. No Wario outfit. |
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HA! That’s where your wrong! You can get a Wario badge and change Mario’s clothes to look like your’s, fatty! |
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…really? |
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HE’S IN ANOTHER GAME?!?!?!?! *gets noose ready* |
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No, just his clothes. |
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Oh. I guess that’s okay. |
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So is Luigi’s. |
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HA HA! What a loser! |
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I like equipping both at the same time. |
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Huh?! What happens? |
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I ain’t telling. |
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Aw! C’mon! |
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*holds up arm cannon* SOMEBODY did this to me. |
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OH! That?! That was just a joke! C’mon! Ha ha! Funny funny! He he he! |
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Not funny. |
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Fine. I didn’t wanna know anyways. Jerk. |
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*butts in* AND SP refers to how much the audience cheers for you. You get special moves with each new piece of the star you collect. And, the only way to get those points back is to perform timing techniques, or stylish techniques. |
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Which leads me to talking about how awesome the timing techniques are. Just before you hit an enemy, press A to do more damage. Or Press A like a bitch until the bar’s full. Or, hold left until a certain point.
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*PRESS PRESS PRESS PRESS!* |
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NOT NOW! |
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:’< |
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And, just to let you guys know, you collect Sprite points to power up your partner to get more moves and what not. Plus, you learn so many different special moves, and new moves, the need for buying weapons, or want is eradicated. I didn’t even notice until I beat the game. |
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And it has pretty sweet re-playability too! There’s a “test of a 100 trails” that was so entertaining beating. Except, I was only strong enough until after I beat it. |
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Wait. You bought a Mario game? |
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*covers mouth* |
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And the list of stuff to find for people is also quite good. |
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Okay, look! We made an essay on the playability! I give it a 10! |
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10.5! |
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…10.5?!?!? |
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You can dress up like Wario. |
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CHRIST. |
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Graphics! Even though it was paper, and all the main characters are 2D, it’s done so well, I didn’t notice until they made it painfully obvious. Like, a boat literally ripping through the pages, or a turning of pages to advance the building of a bridge.
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What about the fact that Mario can turn into a FREAKING PAPER AIR-PLANE?! |
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Yeah. There’s that. |
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The integration with 3D worlds and 2D sprites was perfect. And, there are downright some beautiful places to explore. |
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Also, the special effects are really quite nice. If you make someone dizzy, the entire thing spins around like you were in a washing machine, and…well…then you’re dizzy.
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Plus the 2D environment allowed for, literally, THOUSANDS of sprites on screen to bash your way through. 10. |
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That was fun. I liked that.
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You WOULD. |
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Boys! Boys! Don’t make me separate you two! |
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*looks at Bass* GRRRR |
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*looks at Wario* GRRR! |
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*hits with rolled up news paper* DOWN! DOWN BOY! DOWN! |
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Like omg wtf whut ‘bout the moosak? |
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You’re still alive? |
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Hm. The music was very good. There were new style stuff mixed with classic Mario stuff. |
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As well as some new tunes I could play for all the ladies. Wario’s pad be bumping tonight. |
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Great. Now I have to shove piano wire through my brain. |
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Well, some of it wasn’t my cup of tea. But, it fit the game _very_ well, and that’s what music in a game’s all about. |
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10? |
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10. |
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So to break it down
Story: 10
Pro: It’s awesome. It will definitely leave an impression.
Con: Uh. No Wario…? Do I REALLY need to say this? |
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YES. |
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Playability: 10
Pro: So. Much. So…awesome. So…awesome. |
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And you can play in Wario’s outfit. |
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*SIGH* Yes.
Con: N/A
Graphics: 10
Pro: Everything is beautiful. And, the style of 2D in a 3D world is very stylish and well done.
Con: Close ups of sprites are kind of clunky. But. That doesn’t happen that often. So, it doesn’t really matter.
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Music: 10
Pro: Fits the game very well.
Con: MORE TECHNO. O.O!!!
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Hotness: 10 |
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Hotness?! |
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Did you SEE Vivian. RAWR, Baby. |
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Ohh yeaaah *droll* |
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*click click click* Hey! I found Vivian porn! |
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O.O! |
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O.O! |
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Outta the way, shrimp! |
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IEEEE!! *goes off into the distance* |
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Move over, fatty! |
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NO! MINE! MINE!! MINE! |
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Hey guys, what’s-a going on?! |
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*CLOSE BROWSER WINDOW* AUGH, NOTHING! *pop up* AHH!! *rapid click* |
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CTRL-ALT-DEL!
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I CAN’T IT’S FROZEN!! |
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GUYS?! |
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ABANDON SHIP! *ZOOM* |
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*ZOOM!* |
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Guys!? Guys. Aw, they left. What’s this? “You too can have a giant penis. Click here”. *click* ….aw. It’s frozen. |
Final Score: 10/10
Final Thoughts: Freaking buy this now.
Written by: Psyguy
Wario and Mario © Nintento
Bass © Capcom
Nack © Sega
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